The SlotFinder 2000 is the latest innovation in skydiving technology brought to you by the Engineering Department of Team Flying Hellfish.
We have spent literally minutes in the hardware/software development of this product and hours in the design and manufacture of stickers advertising the SlotFinder 2000.
The SlotFinder 2000 was designed for the skydiver that continually exhibits lack of concentration and cerebral flatulency. In other words, it is ideally suited for the typical Flying Hellfish, especially Hellfish #17.
The SlotFInder 2000 fits snugly about your head in the form of a helmet, once activated, it senses minute pressure changes (normalized for atm. pressure changes) of the void space inside your cranium using a network of sharp, comfortable, pointy sensors that puncture the skull of the user. Pressure transducer output is fed through several recursive and statistical algorithms and when a pressure increase of significance is detected, the SlotFInder 2000 takes over and uses a heads-up display to lock in on your slot and guide you to it.
The imaging system includes a phased-photon transmitter/receiver in the 40mW range (wavelength=560nm). The SlotFinder 2000 may resort to total mind control if it senses resistance on the part of the user.
You may ask yourself: "OK, I understand how it detects when I brain-fart and that it has a fancy imaging system, but how does it 'know' where my slot is and then guide me to it? I mean I don't even know where my slot is!"
The answer: None of your business, you wouldn't understand if we told you. The results are PROVEN by viewing the static images presented below.
|Figure 1||Figure 2|
In Figure 1 we see the hapless skydiver who has stupidly forgotten to activate the SlotFInder and is typically out of position and screwing the dive for the other participants. In figure 2 we see "said skydiver" activating the SlotFInder 2000 in freefall. This Figure DEMONSTRATES that the SlotFinder 2000 has taken over complete mind control and is guiding the skydiver to his correct slot.
The days of making a litany of excuses for your poor skydiving skills are over with the introduction of the SlotFInder 2000. You owe it to yourself and the other paying members of the dive to purchase the SlotFinder immediately!... especially if you are from Slovenia, since we know that you people have 'special' needs. So contact your nearest Flying Hellfish for ordering information or visit the order form of this website.
And always remember....you suck, you know you suck and so do the others around you, for the love of God man! buy the SlotFinder 2000, and also remember that at Team Flying Hellfish........we care.....about your shitty skydiving.
Warning: The SlotFInder 2000 is not a toy and must be taken seriously, its image recognition system has been found to cause irreparable damage to the human retina, and other exposed surfaces (organic and inorganic). The SlotFinder 2000 may cause nausea, weight gain, liver damage, irritability, hives, the staggers, the grippe, explosive diarrhea, bunions, the vapors, ricketts and dropsy. If the SlotFinder 2000 becomes cross, do not argue with it, do not attempt to power it down, simply place it gingerly on the ground and slowly back away. Do not taunt the SlotFinder 2000. The SlotFInder 2000 has an adverse reaction to prolonged exposure to the sun and to darkness, do not place the SlotFInder 2000 with 30 feet of other electronic navigational or control systems. The SlotFinder 2000 emits powerful radiation that may cause shrinkage of already diminished testicles (in men) and growth of marble-sized testicles in women. The makers of the SlotFInder 2000 are poor and not worth suing and besides, by reading this disclaimer you abandon all rights to sue, to privacy and to good taste. Enjoy the SlotFinder 2000, satisfaction guaranteed*
An example of the some of the deleterious after-effects of the SlotFinder 2000.
*not a guarantee